My 3 part bird-brained fugue

http://www.unknownnews.net/050716d.html - 715jb

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Birdwatchers on terroriods

by Jim B., July 15, 2005

[Re U.S. imposes controls on a new security threat: birdwatchers]
I read about how U.S. Security agents are now keeping an eye out for birdwatchers. Seems you will need a police escort in some aviary areas now to enjoy this pastime every bit as popular as baseball, Apple pie and mom.

I wonder how this will affect arrowhead hunting in Idaho. If you can’t glance up at a bird, you might as well stare at the ground looking for obsidian chips. But no, this subject looks like he’s studying the sand awful hard. Must be devising a method to dig under buildings and do something nefarious. Better refund rat patrol to guard all of Craters of the Moon’s perimeter. And what was he planning to do with that WMD arrowhead once he found it! Better medicate him. Maybe Cheney can hold the needle. Not having a human heart makes him less squeamish than other people who have been inoculated into normalcy.

So Mom, please bake a file into my next apple pie. Because when our Bill of Rights soon expires, thoughts like these could be deemed unpatriotic and land me in a slammer with no birds-eye view. Perhaps my opportunity will arise when the guards are watching a tight baseball game in late innings. Cheering fans will cover my filing and I’ll be saved by the purity of that last bastion of good old America baseball. (Except for the steroids)

Chattering Bird Brains

http://www.unknownnews.net/050730d.html - 723Greenvanholzer

The other day as I was ducking underneath a construction crane, a robin red-breast flew by and almost hit me upside my head. “Whassup Mrs. Robin and why are you so bewildered?” I asked her. “Well it seems that these days to attack a mate you have to squawk louder with all the machines grinding away at progress. This is driving me batty.”

“I can see that by your flight path. But you know that a lot of the humanoids are complaining that you birds are creating such a racket that they can’t concentrate during tennis matches.”

“It’s not our fault we have to breathe deeper and sing louder to be heard over the symphony of soot-making machines. Also, what is it now with yew humans? I see that they are bringing in police escorts into some aviary areas now? Are you going to tag bad birds or something?”

“Nah that’s merely a precaution to ensure photographs anywhere within five miles of human installations will only be of birds and nothing else. To ensure the stability of all human structures.”

“Makes perfect horse sense to me!” said all the birdbrains.

Bird-brained horn honking laws

http://greenvanholzer.blogspot.com/2007/10/bird-brained-horn-honking-laws-by-jim.html

By Jim Banholzer

Recently there have been several cases featured in the news about motorists receiving warnings or tickets for excessively honking their automobile horns. Certainly, I’m a fan of maintaining peace and quiet, but the peace officers in action would do well to interpret a law that reads, “Automobile horns shall be used for emergencies only” with some broadmindedness.

A few days ago, I was driving down the highway with a friend. We approached some flickers standing in our lane. These woodpeckers appeared to be distracted by something and we could see they were not sensing our approach. As we came upon them, I lightly tooted the horn at a strategic moment, taking into account the Doppler Effect. The birds went quickly airborne, as my friend exclaimed with some amazement that he never considered that lightly tooting your own horn could save bird lives.

Was this an emergency? Certainly for the birds it was.

On my last trip to Montana, I drove up that old dusty Red Rock road, to that vast wetland avairy area beyond. There to my sweet delight, I witnessed some seldom-seen Trumpeter Swans. As we intersected within a hundred feet of these tremendous birds, I politely waved, smiled, and then lightly tapped my horn for a pleasant hello. The birds responded in kind fashion with light trumpeting. My friend claims it sounded as if they were laughing at me, because when I pointed at them, I was pronouncing their name with a jazzy 'Trumpeteer' Swan twang.