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Wednesday, November 19, 2014

Re: 117 days left to shut down the FBI
by Wombaticus Rex » 15 Nov 2014 02:40 

WORD SALAD FAILS TO DEFENESTRATE FEDS

By JULIA PRESTON NOV. 14, 2014

Washington, DC - In a wholly unexpected turn of events, internet discussion forum Rigorous Intuition has failed to dismantle the Federal Bureau of Investigation. Despite a spirited campaign which lasted over a hundred days and resulted in an unprecedented four pages of cut-and-paste soup from the holistic activist known to dozens around the world as "fruhmenschen," business continued as usual at the obliquely hideous J. Edgar Hoover building here on Pennsylvania Ave.

Experts have been at a loss today in their attempts to analyze how the FBI could have survived. "We were pretty surprised," said Jeanne Park of the Council on Foreign Relations, who had previously released a study on what America could expect in the aftermath of a shattered and defeated Bureau, a scenario that most observers considered the likely outcome. "With a mere 35,000 employees and only $8 billion in annual funding, we did not expect to see the Feds fare very well here. We've all got a little egg on our faces this morning."

Spirits were low at Rigorous Intuition headquarters in Moscow. A forum moderator who identified himself as Justin Boland spoke of intense guilt and a personal sense of responsibility for the failed campaign. "Honestly, we'd never even considered the possibility that fruhmenschen could lose this fight," he said over coffee in their basement cafeteria, decorated for a celebration but otherwise empty. "There's been a lot of talk today about the repercussions, but mostly I'm just wondering what we're going to do with all these cupcakes we made."

FBI spokesman Michael P. Kortan was upbeat, attributing their success to "the rabid anti-semitism that has been undermining Rigorous Intuition for years. Unless they put American Dream in charge over there, we don't expect this community to ever constitute a real threat to our operations." Asked if he was concerned about a follow-up attack, Korten lapsed into uncontrolled laughter which persisted for the duration of the phone call.

Jeff Wells could not be reached for comment prior to publication.