Monday, October 01, 2018

Twelve Steps for Money-Laundering
submitted version
Ten years ago, a Clark County, Nevada investigation showed that a Vegas clinic was not using clean syringe procedures, which over a four-year period contaminated dozens of anesthesia patients with incurable hepatitis C. This was odd and unsettling, especially since Las Vegas is the same city where casinos and hotels often offer to help clean your money. When did we start giving sanitized money a higher priority than we do to our medical patients?

More recently, another news item indicated that prison inmates often conceal illicit money in ways that expose it to contagious diseases. With filthy money in troublesome mind plus flu season approaching, it would be refreshing to see some local banks offer a new service for disinfecting paper currency and coinage. Besides defending customers from nasty germs and diseases, banks would also be protecting another valuable asset - their dedicated tellers, lessening sick days, etc.

Along with Vegas now improving their odds for healthier patients and casino customers; Japanese banks commonly use money purification programs, where ATM’s sprouting clean bills are the most popular. Local banks here ‘wishing well’ could stand to profit monetarily and karmatically through similar hygienic upgrades.

Until a nearby decontamination service arrives, my recommended home-style scheme for freshening coins follows: Wash your hands and filter out rare coins or collectibles for a separate procedure (if any). Lay out a large dry towel on a counter. Place a screen over the sink drain. Then position a colander over a large pot and insert the dirty coinage. Rinse with as-warm-as-you-can-stand water as you shake the colander, adding liquid soap in small squirts and repeat, rubbing and jiggling the coins until they sparkle and the container wash is clean. Spray disinfectant (?) before a final rinse then place coins into a second container of distilled water. Towel dry, ensuring that you’ve cleaned the colander, containers and towels when done. Final dashes of peppermint extract or pumpkin spice adds seasonal flavor to entertaining coin tricks and gimmicks.

Next tip: The importance of purifying bedsheets and pillowcases with hot water to ensure bedbug purges.

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